This post originally appeared on Anna’s 1st blog, Annamotion.
I hate dating.
It is such an awkward and somewhat-necessary evil if you ever wish to marry. As a female INFJ, I become attached super easily, so it’s torture to my soul to become close with someone, perhaps even becoming best friends, and then have it yanked away (or maybe even worse–making the hard decision yourself to separate). You have to figure out together (and individually) if you are “right”/best for each other–if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Are they the right person? Are they not? Are you wasting your time? That’s some crazy pressure!
But…I also love dating.
It’s exciting! It’s new. You have the opportunity to know someone on a much deeper level. You automatically have a +1 to any event. You learn more about yourself and what you can and cannot live with or without.
When I was younger, I created a list of “must haves”, “deal-breakers”, and “wants”–the 1st two being critical and the latter being of much lighter value. And I’m so glad I did! Creating that list while I was single helped me have a clear, decisive head whenever I did begin to like a fella. When you’re “in love”, it’s much easier to compromise, especially without a prior plan and resolve.
When I first wrote my list, I was fairly confident about it…but as years went by and no guy seemed to match all of the things on my “musts” list, I began to become discouraged and doubtful, wondering if maybe I had set my standards too high.
I came to a place in college where I was content and confident in my current state of singleness and even at the thought of being single forever (I already had an epic plan if I never married!)…but it still concerned me wondering if my “musts” maybe weren’t musts after all…but I still stood strongly by them, deciding that if no one met my standards, then I wouldn’t waste my time and I would be ok with being single for the rest of my life. I knew God had a beautiful, purposeful plan for me either way, so I was game!
But then came Anthony…
This man came into my life and did not only meet my high standards, but he met needs and wants I didn’t even know I had! We enjoyed a friendship…dated for 2 years…and now we are getting married on October 21st, 2016!
I am so thankful that I wrote my list and stood by it. It was super tough to do! But without that list, I might’ve settled and missed out on my Anthony who is the closest thing to “perfect for me” as it realistically gets!
In all honesty, I’m a little nervous to share this list with you. But I’m going to be completely open and real with you, so here is the unfiltered list–exactly how I originally wrote it. Remember, that this may look nothing like your list. That’s ok! We are different people 🙂 I encourage you to take time this week to think about what is required before you ever consider someone and what deal breakers you have (what things will you never tolerate and consider warning signs that you should end a relationship).
If you make a clear, decisive list now, you will be able to be clear and decisive later.
It’s ok for it to grow and change a little (i.e. if you discover something new about yourself that you didn’t know you needed or discover more deal-breakers), just don’t ever use this as an excuse to compromise where you shouldn’t. I promise you that your future self will thank you!
My List
Must Haves
- Man after God’s own heart
- Loves God more than me
- Clear passion
- Willing heart. Always wants to change and grow to become more Christ-like
- Tries his best to treat me and love me like Christ loves the Church
- Strives to love like love is described in I Corinthians 13
- HONESTY!
- Must live authentically
- Never lie to me or keep things from me
- Same level
- Agrees with me on foundational beliefs and thoughts/ways of thinking
- Same overall goals. Our direction won’t contradict (this doesn’t include, of course, the times when I must follow my husband because he’s being called somewhere, or vice versa).
- Similar enough, but any big differences balance each other out and help the other’s weaknesses
- Deep thinker
- Self-motivated. Studies the Word on his own. Doesn’t need me (though a wife can help to remind).
- Studies, not only things for spiritual edification, but enjoys to read other things as well. From all the people I’ve encountered, I believe, in general, it’s the more intelligent men who read.
- Able to have deep discussions.
- Leader
- Does not have to have the personality of a natural-born leader, but is able to be a leader to me and my family, in the ways God designed man to be.
- A good spiritual leader
- Encourages and helps growth
- Takes initiative
- Ministry-minded
- Going in the right direction towards understanding and maturing in ministry
- Must be purposefully involved in some kind of ministry, whether vocational or not.
- Good listener
- Is patient to listen to me, even when I ramble on to try to explain my thoughts.
- It’s ok if he is talkative as long as he is always willing to listen to me as well.
- Understands me
- I feel like very few people truly get me. Only those who really understand me can truly help me in the deep way I need. People who understand me usually appreciate me more, too.
- Must be able to appreciate my artistic ways, but doesn’t necessarily have to be an artist like me
- Musician
- I think there’s something totally different with musicians. We’re a different species!
- Also, I value the thought of singing with my husband. I feel there is a closeness that comes when people sing together.
- Can be serious at appropriate times and a total goof at other times
- Has a good sense of humor
- Understands and appreciates my sense of humor
- Able to be spontaneous, but does not run on spontaneity–is also able to plan (like the random spurts of spontaneity every so often).
- Loves and appreciates who I am and even my personality goofy quirks
- Thinks I’m beautiful inside and out (and reminds me often).
- Makes sure that I’m comfortable (by being selfless and being respectful of my wants and needs)
- Gets along with my family. I highly value my family; I want him to, as well.
- Teachable. Understanding. Able to compromise.
- A gentleman. Respectful. Puts me first. Thoughtful.
- Works together as a team. I want to work with him in some kind of ministry. I desire to truly be an “ezer”, as the Bible calls Eve; a helper and encourager of a man.
The Deal-breakers/What I Can’t Stand
- A bad temper
- quick to anger
- a constant bad tone
- too rough; not gentle
- If he ever strikes me or abuses me in any way
- Manipulative
- strong pride or selfishness
- uses my feelings against me (or just doesn’t respect my feelings)
- A total sanguine personality
- Doesn’t like kids. He doesn’t have to be the very best with them, but he at least has to love, appreciate, and value them.
So there’s my list. Unfiltered. Thoroughly prayed over and thought about. I hope maybe it helps you to start thinking about your own “must haves” and “deal-breakers.”
I encourage you, again, write a list of your own. You may think you know your values and “requirements” now, but when you fall for someone it’s very hard to think straight…so decide now what you can and cannot live with and what you can and cannot live without.
Once you’re sure about your list, don’t ever lower your standards. It’s better to be single than to be stuck with someone who is not right for you. Trust me, it’s worth the wait.
Beth B says
Love this! I had a list too, and now I can look back and see how God shaped my list according to who He had for me.
Vanessa says
Same af I’m an INFJ woman and my list looks just like this lolll 😂
Anna Reel says
haha that’s great! And always nice to meet a fellow INFJ! 🙂
Thanks for reading, Vanessa!