When a friend abandons you, it shocks you to the core as you realize the ground of friendship you once relied on has been swiped out from underneath you, leaving you in confusion and pain. There’s often a wave of self-doubt that follows. Why don’t they want me anymore? Why don’t they like me enough to stay? Did I do something wrong? Was I not good enough?

Losing a close friend can be as hard as (sometimes even harder than) a breakup and more personally painful than a death because they CHOSE life without you. It may cause you to doubt other people, thinking, “If I trusted them to be there and now they’re gone, how can I trust anyone else?” To be suddenly abandoned and cut off by someone who was once close with me is one of the deepest pains I’ve ever experienced. But I’ve learned through these experiences, so I want to offer you some hope and encouragement. This letter is for you.

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Dear Friend,

I am so sorry you lost a friendship. You did not deserve to be cut off so suddenly. I know from personal experience how much it hurts when a friend abandons you, especially a close friend you trusted. It’s a deep wound that feels as if it reopens every time you see them or are reminded of them. All the inside jokes and memories of past times and conversations that once brought you such joy now only give you more open doors to pain. Even though they hurt you, you may find yourself still missing them anyway; wishing it could just go back to how things were when you two were close. You may be wondering why they left and if it’s because of something you did wrong.

First of all, I want to help rid you of any needless blame you may be putting on yourself.

It is often more about them than it is about you.

I don’t know your situation, but unless if they pointed things out to you that you were doing wrong (that were actually wrong), then it’s on them for just bailing without communicating with you or trying to work things out. A kind-hearted person of good character doesn’t just abandon a close friend out of nowhere. They would at the very least have a conversation with you about it instead of bottling up their thoughts and emotions. OR they’d let the friendship fade naturally (sometimes people change, and that’s ok) instead of cutting you off suddenly with total disregard for your feelings. If they weren’t willing to talk to you about it and just made that drastic decision without you, then that’s their issue, not yours. Which brings me to another point…

There may be more going on than you realize.

Perhaps they’re dealing with a much bigger issue in their life right now—either externally or internally. You might not be able to see all the battles they’re fighting.

None of this excuses their behavior, but it can help us to gain some perspective and perhaps even understand that they likely weren’t intentionally trying to hurt you or lose a friend themselves.

They were likely doing the best with what they had at the time. We all make mistakes. We all get overwhelmed. That doesn’t make it right, and that doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences for them now if they ever try to return to your life. Once that kind of trust is broken, it takes time to heal and even then there likely will remain a scar. There may be fear. A hesitation. A loss of connection. More boundaries may need to go up. And that’s if they come back. If they don’t, then they have to live with the consequence of having lost you as their friend and knowing the harm they caused.

Speaking of the harm they caused, I want to encourage you that

The pain may not fully go away, but THIS level of pain won’t last forever.

I’m not going to lie to you and say it’s guaranteed that the pain will eventually completely disappear forever. For some people (such as myself), there may be times in the future when you randomly remember the person and a twinge of pain temporarily returns again.

BUT I CAN guarantee that the pain will lessen over time, and it will become less frequent that you even remember them. You’ll find a new routine without them and perhaps even find new friends and have moments (hopefully many) of completely forgetting about the friend who abandoned you.

And speaking of new friends, I want to discuss something with you that’s been one of the hardest lessons for me to believe after being abandoned by two of my close friends.

Just because this friend abandoned you does NOT mean other friends will.

Last year when not just one friend but two close friends abandoned me, I struggled with extreme fear that all my other friends could drop my friendship at any moment too. It really hurt my ability to trust because I had trusted those friends yet I was blindsided by them bailing on our friendship without a word. If someone I trusted to be there for me could do this, then who can I rely on?

First of all, I encourage you to to be careful not to self-sabotage your other friendships. When we’re afraid to trust someone and afraid of getting hurt again, subconsciously we may try to push them away to protect ourselves from experiencing the pain of abandonment again. Don’t push your friends away. It’s ok if you need some time alone to process, but don’t (accidentally) hurt your friends out of your own hurt. They don’t deserve that. And I know you don’t want that.

I’d also like to encourage you to not let this bad experience keep you from trusting people ever again. Not everyone will hurt and abandon you like that one friend did. Even if you’ve experienced this kind of abandonment more than once; it STILL does NOT mean everyone will abandon you. Don’t let these few inconsiderate jerks ruin your chance at having close and mutually beneficial friendships.

Speaking as someone who unexpectedly lost two close friendships and wrestled with the same deep pain, trust issues, fears, and paranoia that you’re experiencing now, believe me when I say that finding a close friend you can trust is a risk worth taking.

All friendships take some risk.

That’s honestly a really hard truth to accept. None of us are perfect. At some point you will hurt your friends and they will hurt you. BUT a good friend will ask forgiveness, try to make things right, work through problems with you, grow with you, and forgive you when YOU mess up.

A good friend for you is someone who’s seen you at your worst and thinks your friendship is worth it because they also know your best.

But it goes both ways. You must also recognize that NO friend will be perfect. You must be willing to talk things out and forgive them. (Yes, there are times when a friendship is no longer fruitful or is causing one or both friends harm, but that’s a topic for another day)

With all that said, there’s no guarantee your friend won’t leave you. We can’t see into their hearts and into the future; THEY can’t either. Like I said, we’re all just trying to do the best with what we have. So that does make every person “a risk.”

But as someone who now has a few close trusted friends, I can tell you from experience that it’s a risk worth taking. Had I hidden away out of fear and not taken the risk to open myself up to these people, I would’ve missed out on so much! They’ve been my support through hard times. They bring me so much laughter and happiness. I get new ideas from them. They fuel my creativity. They constantly challenge me, help me to grow, and bring out the best in me.

There’s something so powerful in that feeling of true connection and belonging. And I hope every person gets to experience that someday. But you’ll never have a chance to experience it if you don’t take the risk in getting to know someone—forming a friendship.

However, don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not saying you should go trusting and opening yourself up to just anyone.

There’s a difference between guarding your heart and hardening your heart.

Let me demonstrate the difference:

Hardening your heart is like putting up a solid, permanent wall. Nothing can get in. You’re safe from attack, but you’ve also locked yourself into a self-made prison—trapped in with your own demons and loneliness.

Guarding your heart is like putting up a force field that blocks out enemy attack but allows the allies to enter through.

I think you should continue to guard your heart. Be careful of who you trust. Use good discernment. If you pay attention to the signs, there are people who would be a much greater risk with hardly any reward. You can be protective of yourself and careful of who you trust without losing your beautiful, caring heart. Don’t let past hurts harden your heart and shut you off from others.

And most importantly…

Don’t forget your worth, my friend.

You are an amazing human being. You are strong, and I know you can get through this. The pain will lessen over time, and you will emerge even stronger. This experience might even allow you to connect with others you might not have otherwise and help them through a similar experience. If you guard your heart without hardening your heart and take the risk in developing new friendships, I know it will pay off in the end.

I know you can make it through this.

Love,

Your Friend

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Need more encouragement?

• A Letter of Encouragement to the Helper Who Needs Help
• A Letter of Encouragement to the Depressed INFJ

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