December 13th, 2016 is my 23rd birthday! For me it’s a birthday of many firsts–it’s my 1st married birthday, my 1st birthday as a college graduate (also my 1st birthday in about 8 years where I haven’t been studying for or taking a final), and it’s my 1st birthday in my own apartment! I’m very excited to celebrate my birthday with my husband.
Last year I shared 22 Things I Learned by 22, Why I’m Not Feelin’ 22, and an embarrassing video of me testing out the Acapella App with Taylor’s Swift’s Feelin’ 22. I thought it would be fun to make a new list of lessons I’ve learned this past year and a few from throughout my whole 23 years of life. So, here we go!
This post originally appeared on Anna’s 1st blog, Annamotion.
1. Maybe you really can “know when you know.”
I cannot express enough how much I hated the phrase “you just know” whenever I’d ask someone growing up how you know when someone is the right person to marry. I’m a highly think-it-through-and-still-doubt-it-after-I-decide kind of person. So when I caught myself one day realizing that I was certain about Anthony (my husband)–like 100% certain–it was the most reassuring feeling I’ve ever felt. It was backed up with many facts (i.e. “he’s a good man”, “he’s the kindest man I know”, “he meets everything on my list“, etc.), but it was not merely facts–there was a feeling of rightness and certainty along with the facts. I knew without a doubt that he was the man I wanted to be with, serve with, go on adventures with, share my hopes and dreams with, have children with, and do life with.
2. You tend to forget someone’s flaws when you’re focusing on how YOU can do better for that person.
This is a very counter-cultural thought in our 21st century American culture of only loving someone or being kind to someone when they are making YOU happy. But that is just flat out selfish. I’ve heard so many people tear apart their so called “loved-ones” without even stopping once to think about what they themselves might be doing wrong. Focusing on what you can do to help someone takes your focus off of their flaws and it also helps you to grow as a person, while also usually encouraging growth in the other person as they see your growth. Growth inspires growth. Love inspires love. So what do you think bitterness and judgment inspires? Focus on how you can change first.
3. Marriage is amazing when you CHOOSE to love each other.
True love doesn’t only love someone when they are making you happy and satisfying your expectations; true love loves no matter what. And as talked about by Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages, when you choose to unconditionally love someone first, that person will be more likely to reciprocate the love.
4. “What if”s are lies until they happen.
In the book Telling Yourself the Truth by William Backus and Marie Chapian, they make a great point that whenever you say or think a “what-if” statement you are lying to yourself. This thing you’re wondering and worrying about has not happened; therefore, in the current moment it is a lie. It only becomes a true statement if it happens. So don’t waste your time and thoughts on lies such as “what-if”s; you’ll only give yourself unnecessary worry.
5. Fear is in your head.
There is the fight or flight responses of your body–literal physical reactions to potentially dangerous stimuli–but the ability to overcome fear is in your head. As Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” As I talked about in #4, many fears come from the lies of “what-if” statements. “What if this terrible thing happens?” “What if I fail?” “What if I can’t make it through?” “What if they don’t like me?” We can begin to take action despite our fears (or even lessen our feeling of fear) by correcting our misbeliefs and by encouraging the truth.
6. People often have to feel with their hearts before they take action.
You can tell someone all the facts you want, but until it clicks and they really connect with it on an emotional level, they’re not going to be passionate about it or put as much effort into it as you. Get them to feel something and their actions will follow.
7. My skin makes me privileged.
I was raised to love everyone, so racism has never been an issue for me; so much so that I still cannot even fathom how someone could look down upon someone for a difference such as skin color. I just don’t get it. From my African American friends I’ve learned a lot about the tension and what they’ve experienced. I didn’t realize until college that it was such an issue in as many places of our country, the U.S., as it is. It breaks my heart and I’ve been wrestling this year with what I can do to help in justice, mercy, love, and unity in my own limited reach.
8. Kindness really does last forever.
Hearing stories from others and my own experiences has shown me that acts of kindness can have a much bigger impact than we sometimes realize.
9. Motivation & drive come from heart, inspiration, and sometimes pure force.
When you’re passionate about something it’s easy to have motivation to keep going. When someone has inspired you, it motivates you to keep going. But on the days that heart and/or inspiration is lacking or you’re just worn out, sometimes you have to force yourself to keep going. Anyone with this quality of “self-motivation” will tell you that.
10. There is such a thing as an “introvert hangover.”
This article explains what it is.
This experience has always been familiar to me, but I didn’t have a label for it and I felt pathetic for experiencing it. Now I know it’s normal and I can confidently take care of myself in the ways my body needs.
11. When you’re dealing with people, sometimes there is no “right side.”
In a conflict, oftentimes both sides make both right and wrong decisions. If we’re going to be foolishly making a person a “side” rather than the viewpoint, I take the position of being for people, supporting each person, helping them see both their right actions and wrong actions, and directing them towards truth. And I am always against any wrong action by anyone (even if it’s with good intentions). We need to stop labeling a person as good or bad and start labeling theirs choices as good or bad. It’s Parenting 101 to not call your child a “bad boy” or “bad girl” but rather direct it at the undesirable action and show love for the child. So why do we not do the same when we grow up? We’re quick to label people as the hero or villain, but in real life there are no heroes and villains (or should I say instead, we are both hero and villain as no one is perfect and immune to an evil action)
12. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do…but pray.
There are times when you find yourself stuck in a situation where no option seems right or situations where there’s seemingly nothing you can do. But there is something you can always do: pray. And that’s ok. Prayer is taking action.
13. …However…sometimes silence can be taken as a stance you may or may not have.
There are times to remain silent to keep peace and there are times to speak out. Great wisdom is found in knowing when to speak and when to hold your tongue. But know that sometimes your silence does speak.
14. I learned how to make and decorate an icecream cake.
I’ve never, that I can recall, had experience in this area, but DQ gave me a chance and I’m learning and developing my skills as Cake Decorator with every cake I make. And it’s so fun!
15. Big life events feel so unreal.
Graduation. My wedding. I try to take it all in and be present, but it still passes by so quickly and they now feel like a dream. So do everything you can to remember the events in your life–be present, take mental notes, take pictures, journal your thoughts and feelings.
16. Heart without action doesn’t help anybody.
This year I read a great book called Overrated by Eugene Cho (check out some other lessons I learned from it here), which had the tagline “Are we more in love with the idea of changing the world than actually changing the world?” Here are 2 thought-provoking quotes from the book:
“…having a good heart is not enough when our actions affect the lives of others…especially people who are already vulnerable.”
“If something matters to us, we must invest in it.”
17. Creativity triggers fear.
Though I didn’t like the book overall, I totally agree with this quote from Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert: “Your fear will always be triggered by your creativity because creativity asks you to enter realms of uncertain outcomes, and fear hates uncertain outcomes.”
18. Love may not feel like love until you speak a person’s love language.
If I’m speaking to you in English, but you don’t speak English, you speak Spanish, you won’t understand what I am trying to communicate to you no matter how eloquently and fluently I speak English to you. It’s the same with love. If your primary love language is Words of Affirmation, but I rarely speak words of affirmation to you because I think I’m showing you love by giving you gifts, you might not feel very loved by me. Or if I try to make you feel loved by constantly giving you hugs, holding your hand, or giving you shoulder massages but physical touch freaks you out, you’re not going to feel loved. It’s important to know someone’s primary love language in order to most effectively love them in a way that speaks the most to them. Read more about it here.
19. Open palms generally means honesty.
As learned from The Definitive Book of Body Language by Allan and Barbara Pease, open palms generally portrays honesty, whereas a hidden palm can potentially indicate a lie (especially if clustered with congruent dishonesty signals). “Just as a dog will expose its throat to show submission or surrender to the victor, humans use their palms to show that they are unarmed and therefore not a threat.”
20. Adulthood is overrated.
Remember when you were a kid and you just couldn’t wait to grow up? You never knew you had it so good!
21. We can do more for others when we take care of ourselves.
Learning to say no and taking care of yourself actually can allow you to help people even more effectively. More on that here.
22. Brains need a rest just as much (if not more) than your body.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve burnt myself out mentally. I’ve learned the value (and necessity!) of giving my brain a break. More on it here.
23. I learned a lot about blogging.
I even wrote a post about it to celebrate my 1-year blogiversary this past September.
Wow, What a phenomenal year you had!
Great list of lessons learned. Always remember that your best years are still ahead of you.
Hope you have a Blessed 2017!