In part 1, we discussed self talk and 6 lies you tell yourself about yourself. Make sure to check that out if you have not read it yet. In this post I want to bring 6 thoughts to your attention that you might be telling yourself about others and why it matters.
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1. “I have to defend and explain myself to them.”
This is the lie that comes from THE NEED TO DEFEND YOURSELF.
You’re unable to let it go when someone makes wrong assumptions or has inaccurate information about you. Sometimes people innocently make assumptions, and sometimes people are intentionally trying to get a reaction out of you or spread lies and rumors. This may cause you to feel defensive or, even worse, want to attack them back.
Why does it matter? It’s a waste of your time to have to constantly explain yourself to others. You don’t need to defend or prove yourself to anyone; it only distracts from the positive force that drives you to excellence and instead makes you driven by anger or avoidance of shame. Reacting defensively or attacking back only makes it worse. “An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.”
2. “I assume this is how it is.”
This is the lie of MAKING ASSUMPTIONS.
This is when you make a quick judgment about someone without knowing all the facts, without considering other sides, or without being open to being wrong. There is a bit of pride and arrogance that assumes you know best and that you can’t be wrong. Even worse is when you judge someone by your assumptions and think you’re better than them in some way.
Why does it matter? Assuming is foolish. Assuming doesn’t take the time to look at all the evidence or put yourself in the other person’s shoes. So much harm can be done (to you and to that other person) when you jump to conclusions about people. It is also the birthplace of many miscommunications and conflicts.
3. “I should have what they have.”
This is the lie of JEALOUSY.
This is the wanting for what someone else has—their riches, their fame, their material possessions, their girlfriend or boyfriend, their position or job, their family, their success, their social media follower count, their talent and abilities, etc. It can either be simply wanting what they have too, or it can be wanting to have what they have and for them to not have it anymore.
Why does it matter? Even the smallest thought of jealous can grow into bitterness and resentment when dwelt upon for too long. It may cause you to dislike someone and hurt your relationship with them for no good reason other than jealousy. Jealousy also is a killer of gratitude; it’s hard to be thankful for what you have when you’re so focused on what someone else has that you don’t have.
4. “I can never forgive them.”
This is the lie that comes from UNFORGIVENESS.
This may be something you’ve told yourself, or perhaps you think you’ve forgiven them, when really your emotions, words, and actions might say otherwise.
Why does it matter? It’s not that you can’t forgive them but rather that you’re choosing not to. We’ve all made mistakes; it’s not fair to expect forgiveness from others if you cannot even forgive others. Holding onto grudges often does you more harm than anyone else.
5. “I’ve been hurt before, so I can’t trust anyone.”
This is the lie from THE INABILITY TO TRUST.
It is the assumption that because someone hurt you before, you’ll be hurt again. You project past people who hurt you onto others in your life. It seems too risky to get close to anyone because you’re afraid negative past experiences will be repeated.
Why does it matter? Assuming everyone is just like that person who hurt you will keep you from being able to trust anyone. And without trust and vulnerability, you’ll miss out on true connection. And a lack of true connection leads to loneliness.
6. “I shouldn’t have to do this until they do it first.”
This is the lie told from I WON’T CHANGE UNTIL THEY CHANGE.
I’ve seen this lie at play in many crumbling marriages. Both spouses get to a place of resentment and come to a standstill while they wait for their spouse to meet their expectations; no one dares make the first move of selfless love.
Why does it matter? If no one makes the first move, how will anyone ever change? You’re only holding yourself back from personal growth and adding to the problems in your relationships.
Which lie do you tell yourself the most? This week, try to pay attention to the thoughts in your head and see if any of them may be one of these six lies. Those who signed up for my free series, 30 Days to Better Self Talk, will get emails this week to dive deeper into these six lies. Sign ups are now closed, but I will be turning this content into an eBook you can buy later on.
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Additional reading:
5 Essentials for Cultivating Kinder Self Talk
Interview with Shelly Beach, author of The Silent Seduction of Self Talk
6 Lies You Tell Yourself About Yourself
Overcoming Perfectionism: Advice & Encouragement from 14 Recovering Perfectionists
Great post!
These are excellent points that everyone should recognize. I know I fall victim to the “Want what others have” and the feeling of “I need to defend myself.”
First off, comparing yourself to others is a terrible path to go down. Everyone has their own path to success and being yourself (not someone else) is what makes what you do and what you have so special.
Secondly, like you said, defending yourself is a waste of time. “Hurt people, hurt people.” I’m not sure where this quote originated from, but I heard it listening to Pat Flynn’s podcast. And it is so true! A lot of times other people will get caught up in the points you made above and feel anger or resentment towards you because you are doing what they feel they can’t. They have their own problems and insecurities and that has nothing to do with you.
Again, awesome article. I’ll definitely be jotting some of these down to reflect back on!
Yes, exactly! We each have our own path. We’re also each different people so it’s not even a fair comparison. And I agree with your second point too–hurt people hurt people, so it’s usually their own problem more than yours.
Really great insights! Thank you for sharing! And thank you so much for reading and leaving such a great comment! 🙂
Very interesting post! Both ‘The need to defend myself’ and ‘The inability to trust’ are common lies that I tell myself. This post definitely makes you think and question your inner thoughts, of which I’ll be doing my best to make a conscious effort to tell myself that the lies we tell ourselves aren’t true.
I’m glad it helped to bring awareness!
Thank you so much for reading and commenting! 😊💜
Thanks for sharing this – very insightful. It’s definitely very easy to fall into the trap of some of these things! An interesting read.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting! 😊💜 I’m glad you enjoyed it!
This is such a insightful post. My lie is in not trusting people. I hope I can overcome it someday.