I am so excited to finally get to share this interview with you! I read Shelly Beach’s book, The Silent Seduction of Self-Talk, back in college, and it truly changed my life. She opened my eyes to my own inner chatter and showed me how to transform it, while vulnerably and courageously sharing her own struggle and journey with self talk. I am so honored she said yes to letting me interview her, and I hope her words encourage you today.
Tell us a little about yourself and your book, The Silent Seduction of Self-Talk
I’m a Harley biker chick at heart. My husband Dan and I have two adult children and six grandchildren (one of the six is a pre-born). I taught high school with my husband as my boss, and college English for many years. Yes, I’m still married to Dan—just over 40 years.
The Silent Seduction of Self-Talk is a book about my own struggle with the dueling voices in my head that told me that even though I was a Christian leader who said she loved Jesus, I often disrespected my family and others in the way I thought, spoke, and acted. I believed I was living out the principles of the Bible, but I discovered I was self-deceived. That was a horrifying, life-changing, glorious day.
How did you develop a better awareness of your self-talk?
As a teacher, I decided I needed to observe myself and learn from what I saw. For several weeks, I consciously paid attention to my thoughts and listened to the voices battling in my head. I wrote down what I’d ignored all my life in a journal–rationalizations about why it was okay for me to use sarcasm that I knew would wound my husband or retaliate against someone who’d hurt me or say something in front of my boss that would make me look good.
What was one of the hardest inner lies for you to overcome and conform to the truth?
Discovering that I was “that other person,” that I often wanted to wound my husband, people I loved, and others with my hurtful words, tone, body language, etc. That my motives were often self-centered, and while I said I believed one thing, I often lived out a contrary truth.
The fears of “what if”s are a common voice in people’s self talk (i.e. “what if I fail?”, “what if this bad thing happens?”, “what if they don’t like me”, etc.); what do you do when you’re faced with “what if” fears?
“What if?” fears are rooted in a focus on circumstances. I’ve been blessed to be presented with several of my greatest fears in my lifetime: sexual assault, terminal diagnosis, and children in life-threatening circumstances. In all those situations and others, focusing on the circumstances brought anxiety, despair, depression, and a need to try to control the situation. Over the years, I’ve learned that the only solution is to focus on the unchanging character of God, who will bring about my best good, no matter the circumstances. God is good, and He promises to work good things from the mess of my life, no matter what my emotions or limited vision tell me. If they don’t like me, God will work things out for my good. If I fail, God will work things out for my good. I must focus my thoughts on that truth.
Did you ever find yourself having to discern between a holy, helpful conviction and an unhealthy shame or guilt when dealing with the lies of your self-talk? If so, how did you discern what was helpful and what was unhealthy?
We can become burdened with identities parents and others place on us when we are young. This is especially true for victims of sexual abuse, who often accept the false identity spit out upon them by their abusers: Ruined. Ugly. Never Enough. Pig. No Good. Filthy. My self-talk often gravitates toward “never enough” and “do it all” messages. The holy, helpful conviction is that I must be committed to telling myself the truth. I am God’s child—holy, forgiven, perfect in His sight through the blood of Jesus. I don’t have to do a thing to be loved by the King of the Universe because I’m His adored child.
How did you find the balance of not letting your self-talk speak too highly of yourself nor too low of yourself?
Once you begin to listen to your self-talk, you gain insight into the duplicity of your heart. The secret is to live in a constant cycle of repentance, confession, and gratitude. I see an ugly thought. I confess it before or after I act upon that thought. If I acted upon it, I make things right Scripturally. I repent and turn away from that sin, then ask for and receive God’s free gift of forgiveness. As I incorporated this practice into my daily life, my level of intimacy with God and gratitude increased dramatically, as well as my awareness of my dependency upon Him.
What encouragement would you give to someone who wants to better their self-talk?
Nothing is as real as writing down on paper the things you say to yourself in your head. Get a notebook, determine to talk less and listen in on yourself for a few weeks. Write down the dueling conversations that you hear. One voice will tell you to say something, and another voice will tell you not to. Voices will call you vile names and insult you. Write it all down. Anything that matches up with what Scripture says about you as a child of God and gives life is truth. Anything that is life-defeating is NOT from God, not true, which only leaves one option. The same is true about what you think and say about other people: Is it life-giving? Is it life-defeating? Every word we think or speak represents the Kingdom of God or the Kingdom of Darkness.
What have been some of the most rewarding parts of your hard work with your self-talk?
Publication of The Silent Seduction of Self-Talk provided an open door to ministering and teaching seminars to incarcerated women across the country.
I also get wonderful letters from women across the country who share stories of how The Silent Seduction of Self-Talk changed their lives.
What resonated with you in Shelly’s story? I’d love to hear you thoughts in the comments below!
Leave a Reply